Double Date: Psychics & Thieves
by SirPrickles
Summary: Mungojerrie wants to pursue Tantomile, and tricks Rumpleteazer into a double date with Coricopat. Neither is pleased. Series. Oneshot.


**A/N: Please forgive that I'm not going to write in Jerrie or Teazer's accents. I'm from Southern California and don't think I can do them justice. Please imagine their cockney in your mind!**

The striped tabby cat sitting by the junkyard gate looked mighty anxious. Every few moments his tail would twitch and his whiskers lift up, searching for some scent or movement in the air.

"What is taking her? I'm on time. They world hasn't ended. Why can't _she_ be on time?" he fretted.

A much larger tomcat, gray, with stripes, walked by. "What you up to, Jerrie?" he asked, quite sternly.

Mungojerrie jumped. "Munkus! You startled me! Oh, nothing suspicious here. I'm just waiting for Rumpleteazer; she's late is all. No worries."

Munkustrap still looked rather stern. "Not keeping lookout, Jerrie? I would hate to drag you back to a trial."

"No, no," Jerrie protested. Munkustrap clearly didn't believe him, but had nothing solid to go on except a past record. And Munk was sporting, so he gave the benefit of the doubt.

"Alright. Have a nice night, Jerrie." The big tom moved off, gray eyes sharp on the shadows of the gate.

Once he was out of earshot, the orange-and-white tabby scowled. "For once I'm being a good boy, Munkus. Have a little faith." Then, hearing a noise, his ears and tail perked up again.

"Teazer," he hissed, sounding incredibly irritated and relieved at the same time.

"Oh, come off it, Jerrie," said his female counterpart, fresh-faced and sly. "I needed time to get ready. And now I'm ready. Shall we?"

She bowed elaborately. Her gleaming fur was complemented by a pearl necklace, and her bright eyes sparkled in the wan lamplight.

"Yeah. You look good. Very good. Let's go."

They both attacked the chain-link fence in front of them, climbing over with ease of long practice. Dropping to the sidewalk outside the junkyard, the tabby twins straightened up.

"How do I look?" Mungojerrie asked, anxious again.

Rumpleteazer appraised him. "Why, Jerrie. It looks like you actually tried."

"Yeah?"

She nodded approval. "I'd date ya."

"Thanks." They set off walking. Teazer trailed Jerrie. "Where did you say we was going?"

"Oh, a nice place. Near an Italian restaurant. In an alleyway."

Teazer swooned. "Ooo! Boy, does that sound romantic! What is the occasion?" she mocked; she knew very well what the occasion was: a double date.

They reached the alleyway in good time. It was brightly lit, cheerful; brimming with all sorts of cats. Jerrie led Teazer into a smaller section that was boarded off, where a big black cat with one eye was serving meatballs and gin.

Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer were both craning their heads around, looking for their dates. Then,

"Over here, Jerrie," an unbelievably serene voice called. Jerrie clamped onto Teazer and hurried her over to the beckoning voice.

Teazer squeaked, just like a cornered mouse:

"_Tantomile_?" Tanto smiled serenely. "And…_Coricopat_?" The last word was more of a shriek.

Jerrie said hastily, "Now, now, Teazer."

"You!" she said, jabbing her finger into his face, "you said that it was a date with _Tugger_!"

"You didn't actually believe me," Jerrie retorted, looking rather shocked.

Rumpleteazer stared at him, open-mouthed.

"Be polite, Teazer," he whined a little, trying to salvage the bad start of the evening.

But at the table, Coricopat seemed to be going through similar motions. He stared at his identical twin sister in disbelief. "But you said this was going to be with…" he trailed off and looked embarrassed. "We're _psychic_," he stated. "How did you actually fool me?"

Tanto shrugged and smiled at Mungojerrie. "Won't you sit down?"

"Yeah," he said hastily and did so. Rumpleteazer continued to stand, shocked at the situation she was stuck in. Her brother had arranged a date with Tantomile? Stuck her with Coricopat? The weird psychic tomcat? Who lived with his sister?

"Teazer, sit down," Jerrie muttered out of the corner of his mouth. "You look ridiculous."

"I'm ridiculous!" she cried, still outraged by the indignity of being partnered with Coricopat.

Jerrie tugged on her arm, and she came down hard next to him, crossways from Tantomile and seated directly across from Coricopat, who stared at her moodily.

He was clearly just as disgruntled. "So," he said, smoothly, but with unmistakable hostility in his voice, "how did you two decide to go out?" His question was clearly directed at his twin sister, who, as far as every Jellicle knew, never did anything without him.

"Well," Tanto said, supremely unfazed, "I was over by the wash-bin and noticed Jerrie fiddling with someone else's collar, stolen, I guessed. I warned him that it would bring him nothing but sorrow—"

"And I asked how she ever got to be so down all the time—"

"And I informed him that, being a witches' cat, one picks up these attitudes of, as he puts it, 'doom and gloom and death and metaphysics and that stuff'—"

"So I told her," Jerrie finished triumphantly, "that she needed to get out and have a good time. And we would have done it that very evening, too, if bloody Alonzo hadn't come along and swatted me for stealing Cassandra's collar—"

"He was understandably incapable of fulfilling the bargain immediately after that—"

"So we said we'd go out this very evening, and to make it more fun, bring the two of you along." Jerrie finished.

There was a long silence. Tanto looked at Jerrie. Jerrie looked at Tanto. They were quickly forgetting the siblings sitting beside them.

Beside them, Teazer looked, disbelievingly, from Jerrie to Tanto. Her gaze flitted to Cori. He was looking at her with a very unflattering expression. She fought the strong urge to dump meatballs on his psychic head.

Perhaps he sensed that, because his gaze became more hostile.

Teazer looked back to Jerrie with a pained face. She could see, unhappily, that he was indeed having a good time. Maybe Tantomile and he were mind-talking, or something. It would be weird if they were indeed just gazing into each other's eyes. That kind of behavior was reserved for prudes and sticklers like Munk and Demeter, who swore undying loyalty and reveled in extreme tedium. Or star crossed lovers, like newlymates Victoria and Mistoffeles. Or naughty cats with a little too much chemistry and no sense of propriety, like the Rum Tum Tugger and Bombalurina.

But the fact remained: Mungojerrie was enjoying himself.

Which left it up to her, Teazer, to make sure her brother had a good night. Reluctantly she turned back to Cori.

"So," she said conversationally, "who did they bait you with?"

Cori tightened his lips and looked almost insulted.

"C'mon," Teazer grinned, "I know it was someone else. Me, you already heard. Rum Tum Tugger. Of course. Never fails on any queen."

Cori said, "It wouldn't work on Demeter." Somehow he made that sound like an insult.

Teazer asked again, "Then who'd they bait ya with? Come on, be honest. Ain't nothing to lose. I won't tell. C'mon, now I'm just curious. Who you got the hots for?"

Coricopat was looking distinctly uncomfortable. "It's really none of your—"

"What else do we have to talk about? That's even remotely in common? Nothing. So just tell, already." She gazed coolly at the dark tom.

He dropped his eyes and muttered, "I don't see how this will make us any less uncomfortable."

"Maybe not you. But me, yeah."

He glared at her. And whispered, "Fine…Exotica."

Teazer nodded approval. That wasn't such a bad match.

"She know you like her?"

His eyes bulged. "Are you insane? Of course not! We—" he gestured, rather uselessly seeing that Tanto was so out of the loop—"are the psychic twins. We don't mix—" Tanto laughed—"or intermingle with the common crowd. We deny ourselves the contact that could muddy our senses." Next to him, Tanto leaned across to pick a strand of spaghetti out of Jerrie's fur.

"Senses," Teazer said, now thoroughly enjoying the irony of the situation, "muddy. Right."

Coricopat knew he was being mocked. "Well, _Rumpleteazer_, if I may give you a word of advice, _I_ wouldn't take the large gentle-cat's pocket watch if_ I_ were _you_."

Teazer, who had been surreptitiously eying the very same pocket-watch, froze. Then she snarled. "What business is it of yours? You or your muddy senses?"

Cori just looked at her, supremely disdainful. "Thieves never profit in the long run," he quoted.

"Why you…what did you call me?"

Cori raised an eyebrow. "A thief."

Rumpleteazer admitted to being many different things. Knock-about cat, tightrope walker, acrobat...even criminal. But thief? That sounded...unflattering. "Did you use your psychic abilities to figure that out, you…you…" Teazer was rarely at a loss to insult someone, but this smug figure across from her seemed strangely aloof, untouchable. She decided to go tom-kit on him.

"Pollicle poo. Green pollicle poo. Smelly green pollicle poo!"

Cori's eyebrows could not have gotten higher. They seemed to merge with his headfur. "Excuse me?"

"You heard me," Teazer muttered mutinously.

Mungojerrie and Tantomile stopped their staring right then.

It could have been that the words "pollicle poo" broke them out of their concentration. Neither, however, seemed certain they had really heard it, or that it wasn't just their imagination being outrageously weird.

"You—you like the meatballs, Teazer?" Jerrie asked anxiously. He glanced at Coricopat, whose eyebrows were still one with his headfur.

"Yeah," she muttered, "yeah. Real good. I'm full."

Tantomile suggested serenely, "Maybe we could walk back to the Jellicle junkyard together."

Rumpleteazer looked at Coricopat, who quickly looked away, as though she were some type of large, ugly bug.

Mungojerrie agreed heartily. "Yeah! All together, back to the Jellicle junkyard. I approve. Let's go, then."

They all stepped out into the alley before heading to the street. Cori settled himself going first, before Jerrie and Tanto (who started holding paws, causing Teazer to gag) while Rumpleteazer trailed them mutinously, muttering again.

"Green pollicle poo…"

The worst thing was that Jerrie and Tanto thought this walk should actually be a leisurely stroll, taking detours and stopping to admire the lamplight against the pitch-black sky, or the shadows cast by the elm trees by the side of the road.

Every time they strayed, Teazer groaned and Cori tried to speed up, but to no avail. Their siblings were simply enjoying the evening too much to hurry.

When they were only a block away from the junkyard, Tanto spotted a firefly, and Jerrie gallantly volunteered to get it for her. They raced after it, laughing like kittens. Teazer, left standing on the sidewalk with Cori, nearly screamed in frustration. She let out steam by muttering, again:

"Giant smelly green pollicle poo."

"If you keep saying that, it'll get stuck," Cori retorted.

"Old wives' tale!" Teazer crowed.

"Also, may I suggest you try citrus-scented shampoo. Excessive florals are very overwhelming and just a mite desperate."

"That is it!" she shrieked, not caring who heard her. "This date is soooo over!"

"This was never a date!" Cori said sharply. "Don't even call it that!"

"Oh, yes it was," Teazer responded through gritted teeth. "I'm going to tell everyone, especially Exotica! And I'll be telling them exactly how you behaved!"

"I behaved? You should see yourself. Right now."

"I can't stand you!" she shrieked.

"I foresee a terrible accident," Cori fluttered his paw in the air. "A large car—"

But he never spoke further. For Rumpleteazer tackled him, scratching and biting furiously.

"Oh no you don't!" he returned, hissing, holding her paws away from his face. A good kick landed in his side. He wheezed and collapsed, pulling Rumpleteazer down with him.

"You wait till I'm finished with your ugly mug!" Teazer squirmed mightily.

"Cheap lilac is assaulting my senses," Cori wheezed, plugging his nose with one paw and holding her off with another.

"_Cheap_?" she roared, doubling her efforts.

Jerrie and Tanto wandered back, arm-in-arm, to the sound of the fighting.

"Golly!" Jerrie whispered to Tanto, who giggled just a little, "look at them—I've never seen so much excess emotional buildup."

Tanto said, "I do believe they are intensely attracted to each other."

"Well, of course!" Jerrie exclaimed. "Teazer's such a tomboy, she'd never admit to liking a tom! Kicking's like kissing, to her!"

Tanto nodded agreement. "And Cori has never shown so much emotional feeling about anyone before…clearly, we should leave them be."

Jerrie said wisely, "They won't miss us."

The happy couple snuck back into the junkyard, leaving their respective siblings rolling in the gutter and cursing all the while.

**A/N: I don't know what possessed me. But boy was this fun to write...I'm thinking of making a series of "Double Dates" with odd couples. I might get through three of four before I get tired. Any suggestions?**

**And yes, I think it possible Teazer and Cori are simply denying their outrageous attraction to each other...  
**


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